I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
