I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize