so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
