Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
