I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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