My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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