Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
