Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't deserve a penis
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
