i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
