Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
