I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
