Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
