did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
