Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
