I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize