he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
