Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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