I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
