You made me cry and you don't even care
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
