Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
