Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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