All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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