I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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