how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
