i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
