I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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