Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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