I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
