Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
