Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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