Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
