Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
be right there i have to get my cape
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
