you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
