Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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