Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
