woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
