mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
