I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
