I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
