Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
