My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize