Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize