Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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