just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
