I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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