I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
