I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
