it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
