P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
