It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
