i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
