i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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