it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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