she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
