I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
