he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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