just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
