If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
