If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
