sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize