so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
