Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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