I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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