I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I need to calm my uterus...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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