There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
